Where does loneliness come from?

The empty nest phenomena struck the house last August. I had my moments of liberation and grief and almost nothing in between.  I also attribute some of this to the menopausal state of my hormones.  Over the weeks, the ebb and flow of emotions seemed to stabilize and I found a routine that was comfortable and very productive.

I began to see how much I loved having the kids here to remind me to put the computer down and set work aside. So when the holidays approached, I was giddy anticipating their arrival and long term visit.  So last week when everyone went back to school I was surprise by how hard the “empty nest” feelings returned.  It had me thinking about from where the source of grief came.  Maybe it was the wrong word, perhaps it is loneliness, but even that didn’t seem quite right.

For me personally, I enjoy meditation especially the solitude and space it offers. I’ve spent many days and weeks by myself in contemplation. So I was having to do some digging to find the actual trigger.  It seemed like the atmosphere in the house changed, like maybe it was FOMO, like I was missing out on something or maybe even more of a trigger of mine which is exclusion or not being invited or included.  Even deeper than that would be I wasn’t included because I don’t have value or wasn’t thought of in the first place.  Wow, now I guess we are getting somewhere closer to the root. Self worth, could that be it? Now that I am not “momming” regularly after more than 2 decades do I really have something to contribute to the world?

I think the answer to that is yes.  I believe the lessons and wisdom I gained by being a parent are innumerable, I often reflect on how my children have inspired me to be a better person. How I would have given up in certain situations had I not had them as leverage. I learned that I can despite being tired, ill-equipped, unprepared because underneath it all I am willing to do my best despite everything else. 

Namaste,

Kim